


Desires for Knowledge and Delusions

by anoyo



Category: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 21:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoyo/pseuds/anoyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first, Hijiri really wasn't lying to Naoki.  Not completely, anyway.  He was investigating the Terminals, Hikawa, the Conception, the Maiden -- everything that he said.  His motivations were what he said they were.  If, beneath everything, he had another motivation to simply <i>know</i>, he didn't see how that went against anything that he'd told the almost-human, almost-demon, but <i>neither</i>, boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desires for Knowledge and Delusions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arianne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arianne/gifts).



> There are **SPOILERS** in this fic and these notes. Written for [Yuletide](http://www.yuletidetreasure.org) 2009, for Arianne, who prompted: Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne (Jyoji Hijiri/Lady in Black/Lucifer/Naoki Kashima)  
> Details: The old man in the wheelchair, the Lady in Black, Hijiri the sinner, neutral/true demon Demi-fiend, the bottom of the Labyrinth. any of these things would be great. No need to use all the characters, any combination of them is fine. Slash or gen, horror, theology. whatever you'd like.
> 
> This fic takes place over the course of the game, obviously, with the conversation at the end taking place shortly after Isamu conceives his Reason and Hijiri "dies"/is the sacrifice for Musubi. I hope this met the challenge! I had a hard time writing in the tone of the game, to be honest. I played/replayed chunks of the game I hadn't played before/hadn't played in a while in order to write this, so I hope it's satisfactory! (If you don't like it, please contact me and I'll try again? I'm always willing to write more fic, haha, and I'm pretty well theology-versed.) Tried to include the Yuletide-notes things, as well, though not in a heavy-handed manner? I couldn't see slash between the characters in a non-crack fashion, though, again, I'm sure I could BS it.

At first, Hijiri really wasn't lying to Naoki. Not completely, anyway. He was investigating the Terminals, Hikawa, the Conception, the Maiden -- everything that he said. His motivations were what he said they were. If, beneath everything, he had another motivation to simply _know_, he didn't see how that went against anything that he'd told the almost-human, almost-demon, but _neither_, boy.

The problem with this is, at the end of the world, at least as he knew it, the more Hijiri learned, the more he _desired_. His desires began with simple knowledge, of the Amala Network, the factions' goals and movements, and ways to manipulate the world in which he had found himself, defenseless, but with this power. The further he delved into that knowledge, however, the more power he saw as attainable, even if he was only a human.

Perhaps, only a human. If nothing else, he believed Naoki was evidence that one does not need to remain a human. The boy was met with strange luck and given power; Hijiri had brought himself to his own knowledge, and so, surely, could bring himself to his own power. And perhaps not just _any_ power.

Hijiri had come to the world of the Conception with the skills that he had possessed beforehand: observation, a keen intellect, and fine motivation. He had found the perfect place from which to observe: the Amala Network. The demons could not traverse it alone, and the boy, Naoki, was fighting his battles in exchange for information. It was almost too easy. Hijiri could manipulate it to his benefit.

So he watched. He watched from where the other parties gained their power. He watched as they battled one another into submission. He watched as, without direction or impulse, he was able to direct Naoki into keeping any one of them from truly building up strength.

Then the other human showed up in the Labyrinth, alive. That was something new, and it said something to Hijiri. The Labyrinth was that from which everything else came; Hijiri had long since determined that. What stood opposed to Kagutsuchi was whatever powered the Labyrinth. If he could find _that_, perhaps he could find that power like no other power.

He followed the other boy, using the power that he could imitate from watching Naoki fumble. He used his ability to manipulate the Amala Network to send him anywhere that he could know, utilize, fathom. He found a demon that had been to the depths of the Labyrinth and coerced it to give him that knowledge, in exchange for other knowledge. In the world of the Conception, anything could be a bartering tool.

Hijiri did not find the knowledge that he had been searching for, when he stepped through the Amala link. What he found, instead, was that he had been tricked by the boy he had been following. Isamu must have learned of his following; Hijiri knew what would happen next.

He could only watch as Isamu made a mockery of the power that wasn't what Hijiri had intended. It might have been insulting, if Hijiri hadn't been watching with fascination for any sort of reaction from Naoki. When his plans had gone awry, he realized that had they included the stoic, gullible boy, his path might have laid differently.

None of those thoughts prepared him for what he learned when he was no longer allowed to possess a Reason. No knowledge was spared the failed: whom would they spoil?

The moment he fell into the Magatsuhi, he joined the billions of souls whose power made of the essence of Creation. His knowledge and his motivation would not allow him to stay there, and begged the answer to one final question: what was the Reason?

He was not expecting the sudden, deafening silence that surrounded him, broken only by the approach of a man from behind, pushed in a wheelchair. Hijiri could still feel his soul, part of the Magatsuhi around him, waiting for a Reason for the Creation. It was disconcerting, to be removed from his essence, but it didn't feel _wrong_. He only turned to look at the man in the wheelchair when he drew even.

When the man spoke, it wasn't the gravelly voice of an old man, but rather a familiar cadence. "The Reason? There are many, not simply one. It is the strongest Reason that leads Creation."

Hijiri shook his head. "Unless they're all the same, and, really, they are. If humans are the ones coming up with Reasons, they will all be limited by human understanding."

The man laughed. "So? Then the Conception will simply continue to happen, as it always has. What will change, when things have obviously not done so, in the past?"

"My Reason was something else," Hijiri said.

Laughing again, the man said, "You cannot have a Reason. Only the living are allowed to take part in the Conception. Only the strongest will can ascend the tower to see his Reason put into place. Then the cycle will start over again."

Perhaps it was the knowledge of removal from death and life more than once that made Hijiri think of it. He said, "But you have another plan."

"I always have another plan, but I cannot have a Reason, either. In order to truly have the will to ascend the tower, one must understand what it is to live and die. Only humankind understands that. My plan hinges on understanding from another point."

Hijiri nodded. When it no longer mattered, it made sense. "Naoki," he said.

"Yes," the old man agreed.

"He is gullible, but his will is not very strong," Hijiri said, shrugging.

The old man laughed. "I think he might surprise you. He would not walk into what I wished of him, even when I set him up perfectly. He walked his way into what _he_ wanted, instead. Just because his will does not conform to your expectations does not mean that it will not be the undoing of this unending cycle."

"That doesn't mean that it will adhere to your plan, either." Hijiri looked into the emptiness around them, able to feel the souls around him, but not able to see them.

"No," the old man agreed.

"I suppose we'll see," Hijiri said.

"You won't know," the old man said. "When the choice has been made, you will continue your penance."

Hijiri smiled. "I'll learn to remember."

"Eventually." The old man laughed again. "For now, the Conception can have your damned soul, for all the age and power it has consumed. I'll see you again."

Hijiri nodded. "Maybe next time, I'll have a Reason."

The old man laughed, fading back into the darkness.

At first, Hijiri hadn't been lying to Naoki. He had been seeking knowledge. Unfortunately, Hijiri thought that Naoki might have known, all along, that Hijiri wasn't going to be the man that he said. Neither was Naoki the man that Hijiri believed. Hijiri had desired to be what, in the end, Naoki was. In the end, Hijiri desired to be what Naoki had been. What Naoki desired, Hijiri would never know, because when he might have asked, he had been too busy being unable to tell his truths from his lies, and knowledge from delusion.


End file.
